I love the 3AM version of people. vulnerable. honest. real
I left her at that place again, because I’m a coward…
I left her at that place which still makes me go still with fear that I felt years ago…
The 7 year old me is still trapped there, waiting for me to come…
I’m sorry, I’m really sorry that I can’t face you yet…
I’m sorry that you are still suffering… I’m sorry that I can’t open my arms wide and tell you to come run to me and I will catch you, that you won’t have to hurt anymore…
She was the epitome of madness, laughing loudly without any care in the world. She had the most beautiful cat like eyes that only a few people have seen because she is always wearing her sun glasses and if you ask her why? She would say “ it gives me the summer looks” with her hair down wearing her favourite pair of ripped Jeans.
She always craved madness, like it was her second skin. Going out to places no one would dare to.
Sometimes life is just weird and you meet a lot of weird people in this weird life.
You meet some person and you think ‘yes, she/he is it, the one I want to share everything with’ and then you try so hard to try and build a relationship around that person, Sometimes to a point were you can’t live without that person.
But everything was fine at the start, then BANG everything starts to fall apart. But you don’t give up, you try so hard to pick up the pieces and glue them back together. The other person got tired of picking and kind a disappeared, but you were persistent, you kept on picking and picking and picking all those pieces then you understood, After all you are all alone.
Have you ever felt lost, so lost that suddenly a voice or a feeling brings you back to reality and for a moment you don’t recognize where you are or who you are but then suddenly it all hits you, the pain, the suffering it all comes back and you are not so alone anymore but you wish you were.
You wish you were strong and not shaking so much, scared of what to do, scared of what’s coming, scared of everyone and everything….
You wish you were lost for a lifetime somewhere deep and dark.
I packed my bag today, with some clothes and some of the books that I owned, and then zipped the bag, ready to go wherever my legs would take me.
But then it hit me, where would I go? I don’t have any friends, whose couch I could sleep on, I don’t have any relatives that iam close to, who would take me in for a few days, I don’t have a job, I don’t have money, this was the moment I realized that I was so alone.
So I unzipped my bag, took all my clothes and hanged them in the closet and put my books in the shelf and I sat down on the edge of the bed and suddenly i was soo tired of this monotonous life and my eyes were filled with tears and I could feel the wetness on my cheeks.
I don’t even know why I am crying, I just looked out through the window, to the outside world, Wondering when will I be free, of these shackles that keeps me to this house.
Sometimes you try so hard not to sink, but it doesn’t matter, how much you try you keep sinking, like you can’t put your finger on what went wrong and everything’s just a mess.
You perfectly know that you can ask for help, you know that there are people who really do care about you and would help you through this sinking time and you want to ask for help but you can’t because you feel like a burden, and you don’t want to be a burden.
Sometimes you wish your phone could detect what you really want to do, because then you would have called or messaged your friends asking for help.
But then at that moment, you don’t know what happens, but you cannot seem to function, you cannot move your hands or do anything at all. You just stare at the ceiling and everything is blurry and you wonder what would be left of you after you surface again.
Sometimes alive doesn’t mean living, you could be dead inside and can still be alive.
Sometimes being alive gets Soo tiring, the only way you can see is dying in every way.
Sometimes people choose to die rather than to keep on living, some people call it easy way out or being coward.
I believe it’s being brave, brave enough to make a choice, brave enough to go through your choices.
Sometimes no amount of love or caring can replace the darkness inside you, they say make happy memories, what if the happy memories just hurt so much more?
Sometimes you just think about the people you love more, than yourself, when there is Soo much darkness inside of you, you do what’s good for them, you forget to think about you, because the only thing that matter at that time is the people you love, you do what’s good for them.
Sometimes you can’t help someone, they must be far gone by the time you decide to help and it’s not your fault.
Sometimes we push someone to get help, but it doesn’t work like that.
Sometimes a simple push, can make them delve into the darkness, till the person is disappeared.
The day you died, I made a promise to myself I would never ever think about you or talk about you to anyone, not even to myself. You never existed that’s how I wanted things to be, your existence erased from my life.
Because your death broke me, not like I wasn’t broken before but your death broke whatever it was left of my heart. You were my safe place to land, you saw me for what I am and not for what I needed to be.
Now after years of your death, here iam going through the album’s to just find one picture of you, grandpa. There are not many pictures of you because you never liked anyone taking your pictures, guess what I don’t like taking my pictures too but for different reasons.
I still remember the last day of that vacation we were getting ready to go home but you told us to ‘stay’ like somehow you knew you were going to die. but we couldn’t stay because we had school, but trust me I didn’t want to return to that hellhole, all I wanted was to stay with you forever.
Then the worst thing happened two days after, uncle called to tell us that you were hospitalized. When we came to the hospital you were sleeping grandpa, there were so many tubes connected to your body that it scared the hell out of me. We were not allowed to see you, we could only watch you through the glass door. But the only thing I wanted to do was be close to you when you sleep.
Do you remember grandpa you had a habit of sleeping at afternoon, but before you go to sleep you would turn on the radio and make me sing and dance to the songs and then after when you fall asleep I would sit there beside you waiting for you to wake up again.
When I saw you in that hospital bed I wanted to come and sit beside you till you woke up, but I couldn’t.
After two days they told us you were going to be ok and you can come home. I wanted to come see you at the hospital, but they told me that I could see him when he comes home. I was so happy that night. But everything was ruined when I woke up the next morning.
I saw my mom and her sisters crying and grandma was motionless, no one had to tell me what happened I just knew you were gone, just gone.
So I took a bath and put my hair in a ponytail, you loved my hair like that, you used to say, “Don’t hide your face from me aami.” Iam sorry grandpa but all I do now is hide my face.
When they bought you to the house I couldn’t help but cry even though I told myself I need to be strong. When my cousin brother saw me crying you know what he told me? “ stop your fake tears it’s not your father who is dead it’s your grandfather.” if only he knew what you were to me. I loved you more than I would ever love my parents, more than anyone else.
After your death, I hated you for a long time. I hated that you left me alone in this cruel world. But then I realized it’s not your death that hurts so much, everyone has to die one day, it’s the fact that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to wait beside your bed, to see you wake up. I didn’t get to hear you call me aami for the last time.
Now when I look back I wish I stayed with you, the day you asked me to stay.
People thought she had the most beautiful smile, a smile that could brighten up anyone’s day.
But of course they never noticed her eyes, those dark lifeless eyes.
she always wondered why people never saw the darkness hiding behind her eyes, the darkness that she hides behind her beautiful smiles, the darkness she barely have control on.
At nights she feel uncomfortable in her own skin. There is this evil darkness inside of her that threatens to crawl out of her but she wouldn’t let it come outside.
She won’t let the darkness crawl out of her because it would destroy the people she love and she would rather die than let that happen.
So she lays in bed curled in to a ball with teary eyes, struggling with the evil inside of her.
Darkness surrounds me when everything comes back, the flashbacks especially and i scream as the hands comes closer and when i hear the evil laughter, i scream so loud but NO, i can’t even hear my own voice.
All i can hear is the laughter, people laughing at me and i break down falling to my knees, cradling my face in my hands and tears streaming down my cheeks.
And Iam scared just scared of everything, every touch every noise just makes me shiver and gives me the eerie kind of cold.
It’s been years and i wonder when will i ever get over this, when will i ever be safe and when will i ever be able to find peace.
Abhirose 