Child

I left her at that place again, because I’m a coward…

I left her at that place which still makes me go still with fear that I felt years ago…

The 7 year old me is still trapped there, waiting for me to come…

I’m sorry, I’m really sorry that I can’t face you yet…

I’m sorry that you are still suffering… I’m sorry that I can’t open my arms wide and tell you to come run to me and I will catch you, that you won’t have to hurt anymore…

HER…

She was the epitome of madness, laughing loudly without any care in the world. She had the most beautiful cat like eyes that only a few people have seen because she is always wearing her sun glasses and if you ask her why? She would say “ it gives me the summer looks” with her hair down wearing her favourite pair of ripped Jeans.

She always craved madness, like it was her second skin. Going out to places no one would dare to.

Lost.

Have you ever felt lost, so lost that suddenly a voice or a feeling brings you back to reality and for a moment you don’t recognize where you are or who you are but then suddenly it all hits you, the pain, the suffering it all comes back and you are not so alone anymore but you wish you were.

You wish you were strong and not shaking so much, scared of what to do, scared of what’s coming, scared of everyone and everything….

You wish you were lost for a lifetime somewhere deep and dark.

Shackles.

I packed my bag today, with some clothes and some of the books that I owned, and then zipped the bag, ready to go wherever my legs would take me.

But then it hit me, where would I go? I don’t have any friends, whose couch I could sleep on, I don’t have any relatives that iam close to, who would take me in for a few days, I don’t have a job, I don’t have money, this was the moment I realized that I was so alone.

So I unzipped my bag, took all my clothes and hanged them in the closet and put my books in the shelf and I sat down on the edge of the bed and suddenly i was soo tired of this monotonous life and my eyes were filled with tears and I could feel the wetness on my cheeks.

I don’t even know why I am crying, I just looked out through the window, to the outside world, Wondering when will I be free, of these shackles that keeps me to this house.

Alive and breathing.

Like some bonds, some relationship’s, scars fades too. When I’m looking at my wrists, the angry scar’s are not there anymore. The scar that was caused by a cat or a sharp object accidently, the truth is, it was no accident. I’m good at lying, even by looking in the eye, now that I think about it I never lied by keeping eye contact, I sucked at it, it always scared me, what if someone saw everything through my eyes?

It’s weird to wake up one day, and to see that the scars are gone, just like everything else in my life. The urge to make it come back was really strong, but I couldn’t give in, months of staying away from self-harming would go to waste then.

So I sat in a dark corner of my room, dark pools of hair covering my face and the flow of tears and i hugged my knees to my chest, and pressing hard on my wrist, where my scar’s used to be, closing my eyes trying to feel the pain, so that I would know iam alive and breathing.