I love the 3AM version of people. vulnerable. honest. real
She was the epitome of madness, laughing loudly without any care in the world. She had the most beautiful cat like eyes that only a few people have seen because she is always wearing her sun glasses and if you ask her why? She would say “ it gives me the summer looks” with her hair down wearing her favourite pair of ripped Jeans.
She always craved madness, like it was her second skin. Going out to places no one would dare to.
I packed my bag today, with some clothes and some of the books that I owned, and then zipped the bag, ready to go wherever my legs would take me.
But then it hit me, where would I go? I don’t have any friends, whose couch I could sleep on, I don’t have any relatives that iam close to, who would take me in for a few days, I don’t have a job, I don’t have money, this was the moment I realized that I was so alone.
So I unzipped my bag, took all my clothes and hanged them in the closet and put my books in the shelf and I sat down on the edge of the bed and suddenly i was soo tired of this monotonous life and my eyes were filled with tears and I could feel the wetness on my cheeks.
I don’t even know why I am crying, I just looked out through the window, to the outside world, Wondering when will I be free, of these shackles that keeps me to this house.
Sometimes alive doesn’t mean living, you could be dead inside and can still be alive.
Sometimes being alive gets Soo tiring, the only way you can see is dying in every way.
Sometimes people choose to die rather than to keep on living, some people call it easy way out or being coward.
I believe it’s being brave, brave enough to make a choice, brave enough to go through your choices.
Sometimes no amount of love or caring can replace the darkness inside you, they say make happy memories, what if the happy memories just hurt so much more?
Sometimes you just think about the people you love more, than yourself, when there is Soo much darkness inside of you, you do what’s good for them, you forget to think about you, because the only thing that matter at that time is the people you love, you do what’s good for them.
Sometimes you can’t help someone, they must be far gone by the time you decide to help and it’s not your fault.
Sometimes we push someone to get help, but it doesn’t work like that.
Sometimes a simple push, can make them delve into the darkness, till the person is disappeared.
The day you died, I made a promise to myself I would never ever think about you or talk about you to anyone, not even to myself. You never existed that’s how I wanted things to be, your existence erased from my life.
Because your death broke me, not like I wasn’t broken before but your death broke whatever it was left of my heart. You were my safe place to land, you saw me for what I am and not for what I needed to be.
Now after years of your death, here iam going through the album’s to just find one picture of you, grandpa. There are not many pictures of you because you never liked anyone taking your pictures, guess what I don’t like taking my pictures too but for different reasons.
I still remember the last day of that vacation we were getting ready to go home but you told us to ‘stay’ like somehow you knew you were going to die. but we couldn’t stay because we had school, but trust me I didn’t want to return to that hellhole, all I wanted was to stay with you forever.
Then the worst thing happened two days after, uncle called to tell us that you were hospitalized. When we came to the hospital you were sleeping grandpa, there were so many tubes connected to your body that it scared the hell out of me. We were not allowed to see you, we could only watch you through the glass door. But the only thing I wanted to do was be close to you when you sleep.
Do you remember grandpa you had a habit of sleeping at afternoon, but before you go to sleep you would turn on the radio and make me sing and dance to the songs and then after when you fall asleep I would sit there beside you waiting for you to wake up again.
When I saw you in that hospital bed I wanted to come and sit beside you till you woke up, but I couldn’t.
After two days they told us you were going to be ok and you can come home. I wanted to come see you at the hospital, but they told me that I could see him when he comes home. I was so happy that night. But everything was ruined when I woke up the next morning.
I saw my mom and her sisters crying and grandma was motionless, no one had to tell me what happened I just knew you were gone, just gone.
So I took a bath and put my hair in a ponytail, you loved my hair like that, you used to say, “Don’t hide your face from me aami.” Iam sorry grandpa but all I do now is hide my face.
When they bought you to the house I couldn’t help but cry even though I told myself I need to be strong. When my cousin brother saw me crying you know what he told me? “ stop your fake tears it’s not your father who is dead it’s your grandfather.” if only he knew what you were to me. I loved you more than I would ever love my parents, more than anyone else.
After your death, I hated you for a long time. I hated that you left me alone in this cruel world. But then I realized it’s not your death that hurts so much, everyone has to die one day, it’s the fact that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to wait beside your bed, to see you wake up. I didn’t get to hear you call me aami for the last time.
Now when I look back I wish I stayed with you, the day you asked me to stay.
People thought she had the most beautiful smile, a smile that could brighten up anyone’s day.
But of course they never noticed her eyes, those dark lifeless eyes.
she always wondered why people never saw the darkness hiding behind her eyes, the darkness that she hides behind her beautiful smiles, the darkness she barely have control on.
At nights she feel uncomfortable in her own skin. There is this evil darkness inside of her that threatens to crawl out of her but she wouldn’t let it come outside.
She won’t let the darkness crawl out of her because it would destroy the people she love and she would rather die than let that happen.
So she lays in bed curled in to a ball with teary eyes, struggling with the evil inside of her.
I could feel the Ray’s of sunlight hitting my skin, it’s time to wake up. I sat upright in my bed, people say that the sunlight freshens you and give you the morning vibes but not for me.
Iam so used to the darkness that sunlight felt like a nuisance.
Then I hear her voice Calling me, how much I hate everything about her. But it doesn’t matter even if I hate my family, I have to play this role until iam no more.
Then I do the saddest thing I could ever do, I smile and get in to the role doing all my duties as a good daughter.
Until it’s night again when I retire to my room alone, sitting on the edge of my bed and the smile slowly fading and a frown taking it’s place and Wondering what iam doing and I remember how fucked up life is…
That’s when the worst things happen the urge to feel the pain.When you get addicted to pain there is little way out.
The physical pain is just addictive that sometimes you just have to even if you don’t want to.
Each passing day makes you a new person. Something happens everyday that changes you or makes you enlightened of something.
Maybe you will realize that the person you thought loved you doesn’t actually loves you, it was all just an act.
Maybe one day you will realize that there is actually no GOD and that knowledge is going to fuck you up.
Maybe one day you will realize that you are not as worthless as you think you are and that would be the best day of your life.
Something happens each day that can change your mood to best or worst, but whatever happens don’t let go. Always have hope in you.
Because each passing day you are learning something new and it’s going to help you live or survive this roller coaster called life.
Expectations, now that’s a dark place to be. People expect things from you.
Like my parents expected me to bring home gold medals every year, and there was a time I did that even though it never gave me a speck of happiness.
Caring about other people’s expectations can really fuck you up. The place iam right now, I wish no one has to go through it.
Sometimes you just have to try breaking these walls called expectations. But no you cannot never fully break through it, you will just end up bruised.
This place is really dark, so dark that I don’t know were iam going and one day they are going to push me a little too hard and iam going to fall of this mountain Called expectation and this Time no one will be able to save me.
Iam trapped inside, no not in a tower. iam trapped inside a human body, the body of my older self.
She is protective of me, she keeps me in a cage, thinking that it’s the safe thing to do.
But no it’s not protecting me or neither her, other than that it’s ruining her life. Holding on to something that she has to let go.
But no she is stubborn, she may look mature, but she is still that eight year old, who had to go through everything and was forced to grow up.
So one day, I did what I needed to. Pulled her to her knees, looked her in the eyes and said
It’s ok you did what you can. It’s not your fault what happened happened, you don’t need to keep protecting me. You have to let go of me and everything else that is ruining you.
And she cried, like an eight year old sobbing and screaming. I kept holding her and soon she fell asleep. I kissed her forehead, saying goodbye.
Finally out of my cage, I didn’t want to leave her alone but this was the only way she is going to find herself and one day be happy.
Have you ever felt like sleeping for a hundred years, to just stop existing or just not to be aware of your existence.
Sometimes you just get painfully aware of your existence that you need it to fucking stop.
Sometimes your mere existence can be a burden. Like you are carrying something you don’t want to and it feels suffocating.
Like your own existence is going to kill you!
What do you do to save yourself from you when you feel like that?
What can you do, when all you want is to be erased or to just stop existing?
Abhirose 