I love the 3AM version of people. vulnerable. honest. real
Have you ever felt lost, so lost that suddenly a voice or a feeling brings you back to reality and for a moment you don’t recognize where you are or who you are but then suddenly it all hits you, the pain, the suffering it all comes back and you are not so alone anymore but you wish you were.
You wish you were strong and not shaking so much, scared of what to do, scared of what’s coming, scared of everyone and everything….
You wish you were lost for a lifetime somewhere deep and dark.
Sometimes you try so hard not to sink, but it doesn’t matter, how much you try you keep sinking, like you can’t put your finger on what went wrong and everything’s just a mess.
You perfectly know that you can ask for help, you know that there are people who really do care about you and would help you through this sinking time and you want to ask for help but you can’t because you feel like a burden, and you don’t want to be a burden.
Sometimes you wish your phone could detect what you really want to do, because then you would have called or messaged your friends asking for help.
But then at that moment, you don’t know what happens, but you cannot seem to function, you cannot move your hands or do anything at all. You just stare at the ceiling and everything is blurry and you wonder what would be left of you after you surface again.
Sometimes alive doesn’t mean living, you could be dead inside and can still be alive.
Sometimes being alive gets Soo tiring, the only way you can see is dying in every way.
Sometimes people choose to die rather than to keep on living, some people call it easy way out or being coward.
I believe it’s being brave, brave enough to make a choice, brave enough to go through your choices.
Sometimes no amount of love or caring can replace the darkness inside you, they say make happy memories, what if the happy memories just hurt so much more?
Sometimes you just think about the people you love more, than yourself, when there is Soo much darkness inside of you, you do what’s good for them, you forget to think about you, because the only thing that matter at that time is the people you love, you do what’s good for them.
Sometimes you can’t help someone, they must be far gone by the time you decide to help and it’s not your fault.
Sometimes we push someone to get help, but it doesn’t work like that.
Sometimes a simple push, can make them delve into the darkness, till the person is disappeared.
She is fully clothed, but here she is still feeling naked, extremely naked on the bed. She wanted to scream and cry but she cannot, she cannot let anyone know.
His hands, she can still feel them roaming around her body, destroying her. She told him no, she told him to stop but he wouldn’t hear, no one heard her pleas to stop, not any one of them.
These flashbacks it keeps on killing her soul, which is now as black as it could be. She barely survived the reality of the abuse and now she is dying piece by piece, flesh by flesh.
And she knows no one cares, no one cares until it’s too late.
Looking at the mirror, all I can see is the shell of a person she used to be. The black slightly curled hair pooling around her face, hiding the pair of eyes that just shows how much dead she is inside. The tear streaked cheeks, so wet from a life time of tears. Those lips, which is so used to fake smiling.
Staring at the mirror I can’t help but pity her. The poor girl doesn’t even want to survive anymore. Her hands are bleeding from holding on to something that’s not even there.
She may have survived the Storm but she didn’t make it whole. The only thing left after the storm is the shell, just the shell of a dead girl.
I could feel the Ray’s of sunlight hitting my skin, it’s time to wake up. I sat upright in my bed, people say that the sunlight freshens you and give you the morning vibes but not for me.
Iam so used to the darkness that sunlight felt like a nuisance.
Then I hear her voice Calling me, how much I hate everything about her. But it doesn’t matter even if I hate my family, I have to play this role until iam no more.
Then I do the saddest thing I could ever do, I smile and get in to the role doing all my duties as a good daughter.
Until it’s night again when I retire to my room alone, sitting on the edge of my bed and the smile slowly fading and a frown taking it’s place and Wondering what iam doing and I remember how fucked up life is…
That’s when the worst things happen the urge to feel the pain.When you get addicted to pain there is little way out.
The physical pain is just addictive that sometimes you just have to even if you don’t want to.
Each passing day makes you a new person. Something happens everyday that changes you or makes you enlightened of something.
Maybe you will realize that the person you thought loved you doesn’t actually loves you, it was all just an act.
Maybe one day you will realize that there is actually no GOD and that knowledge is going to fuck you up.
Maybe one day you will realize that you are not as worthless as you think you are and that would be the best day of your life.
Something happens each day that can change your mood to best or worst, but whatever happens don’t let go. Always have hope in you.
Because each passing day you are learning something new and it’s going to help you live or survive this roller coaster called life.
Expectations, now that’s a dark place to be. People expect things from you.
Like my parents expected me to bring home gold medals every year, and there was a time I did that even though it never gave me a speck of happiness.
Caring about other people’s expectations can really fuck you up. The place iam right now, I wish no one has to go through it.
Sometimes you just have to try breaking these walls called expectations. But no you cannot never fully break through it, you will just end up bruised.
This place is really dark, so dark that I don’t know were iam going and one day they are going to push me a little too hard and iam going to fall of this mountain Called expectation and this Time no one will be able to save me.
12/04/2018
I will never forget this day. The day my life changed forever, the day I lost my belief in God.
Like everyone else in India I saw the news too, Asifa an eight year old child was gang raped in a temple.
A temple, a place were we considered as sacred. A place we were supposed to be safe.
Were was the so called GOD? Was god blindfolded when the entire act was going on? Was god on a vacation, that he couldn’t save that 8 year old child?
Then the cold truth hit me on my face There is infact no God. If there is God then why didn’t he/she save that little girl? If God cannot stop something happening right in front of him/she, what can god do to save this world?
I keep wondering what she had gone through, she was drugged and raped for 8 fucking days.
She must have been really hungry and thirsty. She must have wondered what the pain was all about and why men are fighting for turns. She must have thought god was going to save her, poor child if only she knew the truth, there is no God.
Girls are not allowed in temple while on periods but you can drug and rape a girl inside a temple now?
Woow incredible India!
Iam trapped inside, no not in a tower. iam trapped inside a human body, the body of my older self.
She is protective of me, she keeps me in a cage, thinking that it’s the safe thing to do.
But no it’s not protecting me or neither her, other than that it’s ruining her life. Holding on to something that she has to let go.
But no she is stubborn, she may look mature, but she is still that eight year old, who had to go through everything and was forced to grow up.
So one day, I did what I needed to. Pulled her to her knees, looked her in the eyes and said
It’s ok you did what you can. It’s not your fault what happened happened, you don’t need to keep protecting me. You have to let go of me and everything else that is ruining you.
And she cried, like an eight year old sobbing and screaming. I kept holding her and soon she fell asleep. I kissed her forehead, saying goodbye.
Finally out of my cage, I didn’t want to leave her alone but this was the only way she is going to find herself and one day be happy.
Abhirose 